England will now crash out of Group D with Wayne Rooney, it has emerged. It had previously been thought that the England striker, who statistically makes England more likely to lose when playing, would miss The Three Lions weakly limp out of Euro 2012 after drawing 0-0 with co-hosts Ukraine, to register a grand total of two points.
However Rooney’s three-match ban, given out for his swift swipe at Miodrag Dzudovic’s calf, due to his frustration at his law-breaking match-fixing father, has been reduced to two.
Unsurprisingly, the seemingly intimidating figure of the F.A has yet again forced a major footballing power to back down. Having cornered FIFA with poppies on a stick and beaten them into submission, England, minus Rooney, beat Spain 1-0 whilst wearing memorial armbands with the red flower emblazoned on them. This proved to be a moral victory, as well as a rare victory, for England over a clearly stronger force.
This time the F.A used fictitious blah blah and Wayne Rooney Snr. to secure a “big result for the F.A and England.” Despite Dzudovic clearly stating that, “it is a lie that I wrote a letter of support to UEFA,” Rooney’s appeal included a written letter supposedly by Dzudovic asking that the ban be reduced. “It couldn’t be further from the truth,” said Rooney’s victim when asked if he had done such a thing; either England fixed the hearing by supplying a false document, much like Rooney’s father would fix a Scottish football game, or Wayne Rooney’s handwriting is so illegible that his letter pleading for a reduction has been mistaken for Montenegrin.
Either way, further securing a victory for England and the F.A was the X-Factor fitting sob-story of Wayne Rooney’s previous 24 hours in the build up to his red card. In a script that wouldn’t be out of place on Jeremy Kyle, the F.A considered using Rooney Snr’s arrest as a bargaining tool. Using basic playground experience, his argument would have run similar to this: “My dad made me angry so I kicked that foreign fella.”
Continuing the weird set of events was the eventual decision - Wayne Rooney’s ban has been reduced to a two-game ban and the third game has been suspended for four years - possibly the most bizarre and prolonged punishment ever witnessed in football. While Rooney will be 30-years old, probably an alcoholic and part of Harry Redknapp’s World Cup squad of drunkards, criminals and Tottenham players, by the time his third game ban expires, it can be activated before then if Rooney is dismissed in Europe again. Luckily for Rooney, this is only when on international duty for England and dismissed by result of a red card, otherwise his dismissal from Europe by Basel would have sufficed.
Much like when any player of any considerable merit hits the headlines for the wrong reasons, every other fan, player and manager has something to say about it. “It’s a bit strange,” bleated a jealous Scot, “(the F.A) are supposed to be setting an example.”
The said jealous Scot is Kenny Dalglish and he was probably one of four people in the game that shouldn’t have entered a discussion on “setting an example.” Along with Blatter, Terry and Suarez, Dalglish questioning a point of authority for standing by its man, is a tad short-sighted. Whilst questioning exactly what type of example the F.A are setting, Dalglish continues to set an example of double-standards, supporting the racist one-finger saluting Luis Suarez, who according to Gus Poyet is entitled to say what he likes and blame it on culture, “England needs to understand how the rest of the world lives. If someone is fat we (Uruguayans) call them fat boy, if someone has a big nose we call them big nose and if someone is black we call them negro.”
“Poland and Ukraine is that way son.”