Posts tagged funny

A New Year resolution defines as a commitment that a person makes to complete a set of goals or break certain habits, for the better. Since Mario Balotelli joined Manchester City, you could argue that, as a player, he’s slowly breaking habits that had hounded his career to date. However, while he is improving his attitude and performance on-the-pitch, his off-the-pitch antics continue to intrigue, interest and infuriate everyone.  

Making a New Year’s resolution, should prove itself as beneficial to the person making the commitment. It is a goal, or a set of goals, that should, over the forthcoming year, improve a person’s worth and accomplish something worthwhile. Fernando Torres and Andy Carroll probably share similar New Year’s resolutions, to score goals more frequently, and Steve Kean’s is probably something to do with continual deceitfulness throughout the entire year, in what can only be described as lawful extortion. 

By committing to a New Year’s resolution, a person is acknowledging the need for new traits in new beginnings. It comes after reflection upon their wrongdoings over the previous year and culminates in seeking forgiveness and it seems that Mario Balotelli has already started, or at least the air of comical mystery around him has, to seek that forgiveness. 

His habits, that Mancini advises he should change, “I hope the New Year can bring a different way for him,” have included, among many other happenings, driving into an all-female prison in his Mercedes Coupe with his 17-year old brother because they were, “especially curious at the fact it was a women’s prison,” handing £1000 to a homeless man as he left a casino and exclaiming, when asked by police why he had £5000 in £20 notes in his pocket, “because I can. I’m rich.” Some may see this, including myself, as a rich man’s lighthearted ways, but The Guardian label it as “self- aggrandising acts of vulgarity.” 

What the writer of the article entitled, “Mario Balotelli gives Britain a new buffoon” in which he states that the Italian’s behaviour makes Wayne Rooney seem parochial, fails to do, among slamming the Manchester City striker as a “real idiot’s idiot,” is credit him for the good things he has done off-the-pitch, or attempt to search for some logic in his lightheartedness.

Mario Balotelli was born in Sicily to a Ghanaian couple and as an infant, he suffered a serious illness that is fatal to most, having to undergo a series of operations on his intestines. This was all before he had reached the age of 2. Then, aged 3, social workers in Brescia, where he was being raised, advised that the young Ghanian Italian should be fostered, as they struggled to raise a young Mario in a cramped home. From 3-years old, Balotelli was brought up by a white Italian couple, who he now, after growing apart from his biological parents, calls mamma e papà. Now, as a professional footballer, playing for mega-rich Manchester City, he is aware that he has a, “a responsibility as a role model to children,” before adding, “I try to fulfil that.” A far cry from the unsurprisingly unnamed blogger that  described Balotelli as the new “idiot laureate.” Balotelli is giving back. 

If Balotelli is expected to go all out on a New Year’s resolution, merely slating his off-the-pitch behaviour and grouping it as “off-the-field misdemeanors” is shallow. In his first act of pleading for forgiveness, Super Mario supposedly  drove around Manchester handing out money to passers-by, all whilst donning a Father Christmas outfit. If that isn’t worth forgiveness, then driving around Manchester after the Blue half had beaten the Red half, high-fiving all City fans from his convertible Bentley is. Unfortunately, like many stories about Balotelli, both of the above are unconfirmed; just think of him as the Chuck Norris of football.

Most heart-warming of all the Mario myths, be they true, false or unconfirmed, is his quest for justice in the playground; a story quite believable considering the racist taunts he suffered, growing up as a black child to white adopted parents in a racist part of Italy. One morning, having finished training at Manchester City’s Carrington training ground, Balotelli jogged over to where fans were watching, to sign shirts and autograph books. He was faced with a young lad asking him for his signature and Balotelli quizzed the kid over why he wasn’t in school. When the Italian was told by the youngster that he was being bullied at school, he drove the kid and his mum, who was with him at Carrington, to the school before demanding to see the headteacher. He then proceeded to identify the bully and saw over an apology and handshake, before leaving again in his Maserati.

Whether it’s true or not will remain a mystery unless Balotelli confirms the many unconfirmed stories of generosity and the ridiculous. However, that remains unlikely, “‘I am a very, very private person, I know some players like being the centre of attention and I admit that when I first became a player I liked fame, too. But that feeling lasted only for three months. Then I realised what it was really like to be the centre of attention all the time. It isn’t all good.” It is believable though; a porter at the apartment block where Mario resides has stated that, ‘Mario treats me really well, he’s a good guy. When I asked him for a signed shirt it was  there, he’s very kind.’

Either way, the hearty Italian should not curb his ways: “With enigmatic players like Balotelli, you have to ignore a lot of what they do - he’s worth the hassle,” said Keown. After all, Balotelli won’t change his ways; ”Every day I fight against Mario and sometimes I would like to give him a punch.” said Mancini. “He couldn’t. I do Thai kick-boxing,” replied Balotelli. Of course, he was joking. His character is infectious, his behaviour is admirably rebellious and his talent is supreme. But is he a, “new figurehead for footballing buffoons” like The Guardian claims, or is he in fact a, “playful jiber, delivering with affection: a young man who does not always wish to take life so seriously,” like the Daily Mail states?

For me, this year, if Balotelli is to set a New Year’s Resolution, like his boss suggests, it shouldn’t be to have “a different way.” Balotelli has reignited many a love affair with football and his only commitment for 2012 should be, “To keep them asking, why always me?”

Written by Jordan Florit for www.maycauseoffence.com/ For more articles visit my website or my Twitter @JordanFlorit

England will now crash out of Group D with Wayne Rooney, it has emerged. It had previously been thought that the England striker, who statistically makes England more likely to lose when playing, would miss The Three Lions weakly limp out of Euro 2012 after drawing 0-0 with co-hosts Ukraine, to register a grand total of two points.

However Rooney’s three-match ban, given out for his swift swipe at Miodrag Dzudovic’s calf, due to his frustration at his law-breaking match-fixing father, has been reduced to two.

Unsurprisingly, the seemingly intimidating figure of the F.A has yet again forced a major footballing power to back down. Having cornered FIFA with poppies on a stick and beaten them into submission, England, minus Rooney, beat Spain 1-0 whilst wearing memorial armbands with the red flower emblazoned on them. This proved to be a moral victory, as well as a rare victory, for England over a clearly stronger force.

This time the F.A used fictitious blah blah and Wayne Rooney Snr. to secure a “big result for the F.A and England.” Despite Dzudovic clearly stating that, “it is a lie that I wrote a letter of support to UEFA,” Rooney’s appeal included a written letter supposedly by Dzudovic asking that the ban be reduced. “It couldn’t be further from the truth,” said Rooney’s victim when asked if he had done such a thing; either England fixed the hearing by supplying a false document, much like Rooney’s father would fix a Scottish football game, or Wayne Rooney’s handwriting is so illegible that his letter pleading for a reduction has been mistaken for Montenegrin.

Either way, further securing a victory for England and the F.A was the X-Factor fitting sob-story of Wayne Rooney’s previous 24 hours in the build up to his red card. In a script that wouldn’t be out of place on Jeremy Kyle, the F.A considered using Rooney Snr’s arrest as a bargaining tool. Using basic playground experience, his argument would have run similar to this: “My dad made me angry so I kicked that foreign fella.”

Continuing the weird set of events was the eventual decision - Wayne Rooney’s ban has been reduced to a two-game ban and the third game has been suspended for four years - possibly the most bizarre and prolonged punishment ever witnessed in football. While Rooney will be 30-years old, probably an alcoholic and part of Harry Redknapp’s World Cup squad of drunkards, criminals and Tottenham players, by the time his third game ban expires, it can be activated before then if Rooney is dismissed in Europe again. Luckily for Rooney, this is only when on international duty for England and dismissed by result of a red card, otherwise his dismissal from Europe by Basel would have sufficed.

Much like when any player of any considerable merit hits the headlines for the wrong reasons, every other fan, player and manager has something to say about it. “It’s a bit strange,” bleated a jealous Scot, “(the F.A) are supposed to be setting an example.”

The said jealous Scot is Kenny Dalglish and he was probably one of four people in the game that shouldn’t have entered a discussion on “setting an example.” Along with Blatter, Terry and Suarez, Dalglish questioning a point of authority for standing by its man, is a tad short-sighted. Whilst questioning exactly what type of example the F.A are setting, Dalglish continues to set an example of double-standards, supporting the racist one-finger saluting Luis Suarez, who according to Gus Poyet is entitled to say what he likes and blame it on culture, “England needs to understand how the rest of the world lives. If someone is fat we (Uruguayans) call them fat boy, if someone has a big nose we call them big nose and if someone is black we call them negro.”

“Poland and Ukraine is that way son.”

Written by Jordan Florit for www.maycauseoffence.com/ For more articles visit my website or my Twitter @JordanFlorit

Harry Redknapp has told the F.A not to announce him as the successor to Fabio Capello until after he has won the Premier League 11/12 campaign with Gareth Bale, Adebayor and Van der Vaart.

“It’s very difficult for the FA to choose another manager if he’s already working, It wouldn’t be fair to the club. You can’t do it during the season,” chin-wobbled Redknapp. Having seemingly suffered a bout of memory loss when in hospital for his heart surgery, Redknapp continued to forget his team’s name, simply calling them a club,“to give it to someone who’s working at a club is unfair to the club he works for.”

Redknapp will take the reigns in July 2012, having seen his country finish 3rd in Group D behind France and Sweden who will both defeat The Three Lions 1-0.